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Archive for May, 2012

Kaner!

Who doesn’t love Patrick Kane?  Nobody, that’s who.

An early 20’s millionaire, all-star, playboy, shithead?  Costanza would say: “that’s like discovering plutonium, by accident.”  Yeah, a pro sports team generally benefits when such a person occupies a roster spot.  While every little kid hockey player within 200 miles of Chicago knows Johnny Toews, every little kid, period, knows Patrick Kane.  All Kane needed to do was something Toews can’t.  Smile.  Just a quick little grin to communicate peace, love and understanding excuses Kaner from all sorts of ballyhoo.  That, and sick hockey skills.  The dude is universally loved by fans young and old because in addition to being a dazzling, world-class American hockey player, he looks like he’s having a good time.  The Superman bit at the All-Star game confirms it.  Drunken iPhone snaps confirm its confirmation.  Just a young, hyper-talented kid from Buffalo livin’ the dream.  I see no downside.

Apparently, the Tribune writers disagree.

It’s been easy to ignore Steve Rosenbloom’s two recent anti-Kane columns as nothing more than a lazy sports writer on a deadline.  One piece claimed that the Hawks need to explore trading Kane because he doesn’t score enough.  “Kane’s goal production doesn’t match his hype or salary. Steven Stamkos had 60 this season and 45 and 51 in past seasons.”  Awesome.  You Steve, should consider a GM position.  Kane had exactly one more point than Alex Ovechkin, and one less point than Pavel Datsyuk, Dan Sedin and Jarome Iginla.  Teemu Selanne and Brad Richards tied Kane with 66 regular-season points.  That’s some pretty shitty company, aye?  It went on to suggest that maybe he’s only still here because he plays such a big role in marketing the team: “It would be worth boycotting the team if the Hawks hockey operations department wanted to trade Kane but couldn’t because the marketing wonks have made him and Toews the faces of the franchise.”  The other piece he published was titled: Who might want Kane traded?  Only everyone.  Who might this everyone be?  Rocky Wirtz, John McDonough, Stan Bowman, Coach Q, and all of his teammates.  Soooo, the entire front office and player roster want Kane gone- this time because Kane was raging in Madison and posed drunk for cell phones.  Let us pause and reflect and appreciate America, for it is only here that one can secure gainful employment writing non-sensical editorials about sports games and personalities.  I certainly do not mean to express surprise over the opinions of wacko sports journalists.  That would be negligent.  I am a bit curious with the sports editor though.  Someone at the Trib had to read this drivel before Dr Rosenpenis pressed send.  Then, someone had to approve a piece from their lead sports-opinion-guy who says that the Chicago Blackhawks are a better ice hockey team without Kane.  So, off the ice he leads the team in all categories of personal misconduct.  On the ice, Kane tied for most playoff points with Toews, finished 2nd behind Hossa for regular season assists and 3rd for total points.  We know this, and we approve.    Frankly, I think he’s underachieving in the area of jackassery.  It ought to be any time now that you’ll see pictures of Kaner’s own genitalia on his Facebook page, just because fuck you.  That’s how he does it.

Now today, another Trib staffer published a column titled: Trading Kane would be irresponsible.  Irresponsible?  What in God’s name are these people on about?  “They have too much invested in Kane as a player to abandon their responsibility to him as a person” David Haugh writes.  Hmm.  He goes on: “never has Kane needed support from the Blackhawks more than he does now.  If the Hawks haven’t discussed sending Kane to alcohol counseling or haven’t approached Kane’s family about intervention, consider doing so now.”  Ha!  Good comedy, David Haugh.  Good comedy indeed.  The New Orleans Saints football team had a compensation package set up to reward players for breaking each other’s legs, now the Hawks have an obligation to put a 23 year-old through AA for getting pissed at a college party in the off-season?  Not only are pro athletes supposed to be model citizens, but pro sports teams should be parents or counselors too?  What the hell is going on in that newsroom?  What do athletes and teams need to do to convince the world of their inherent stupidity?  Warning labels?  Maybe every TV broadcast and stadium JumboTron needs to flash an advisory before the contest begins:  Warning!  Unethical, immature, over-paid liars funded by greedy white dudes are intended for your entertainment only.  Expect zero acts of good or acceptable behavior.  These individuals are not role models, but entertainers.  This advisory is brought to you by: Beer.  Enjoy the beer, and the game.

Haugh and Rosenbaum can do much better.  Go be reporters.  Use that credentialed access to snoop out an exclusive.  Someone in town has gotta be fighting dogs, betting on games or doing steroids.  Write it and we’ll read it, even if we couldn’t care less.  Using a credential to write an opinion piece from a desk in the Tribune newsroom is a bit of a waste, don’t you think?

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