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Archive for October, 2011

The Cubs still suck, so says the stock market.

But, hey-hey, it’s the off-season, so they suck a little less.  Today, the Ricketts-s’ss introduced that smart kid from Boston as the new Grand Poobah of the Chicago Cubs.  You know the Rickettses, right?  No, not the skin rash- which actually turns out to be ‘shingles.’  Rickets is way worse.  It involves bone pain.  No good there.  These Ricketts (I’m struggling the plural Ricketts) are the one-percenters who came up with TD Ameritrade, and then used 90% of their one-billion dollar worth to buy the Chicago Cubs.  They seem like nice people, though I don’t know why I say that.  It’s become hip to hate people who have a billion dollars, so I figure they must be on some sort of shit-list.  Maybe if you’re willing to throw money at a crappy-old baseball team in an attempt to bring a little summertime joy to the people, you should get a waiver excluding you from the list of asshole people who earn money.  There are loads of wealthy business-owners out there who employ most of the country to hate on, so leave the Rickettsers alone.  They’re giving back to the people.  Last season, unfortunately, most of what they gave were headaches and indigestion.  So there’s that.  But, hey-hey, it’s all rainbows now.  The 100-year nightmare is just about over now that they’ve hired Theo Epstein.  For over 100 years, nobody has been able to crack the code.  No formula has worked.  So many humans have been lost in this war, it’s unthinkable.  It’s a streak so vicious and cruel, it even ruined the life of a guy who just wants to wear some headphones and watch baseball.  A curse that’s that indiscriminate is dangerous business.  Just showing up at that godforsaken ball park could land you a life sentence, as it has Steve Bartman.  So, whatever voodoo the Jewish genius has up his sleeve better be potent.  This isn’t the 2002 Boston Red Sox he’s inheriting.  This Cubs team sucks it, badly.  But hey-hey, someone needs to be responsible for operations here.  Might as well be this guy.  For what it’s worth, the Cubs seem pretty excited about their new hire.  So much so that they had to limit attendance at the press conference to only those who had the tolerance to cover the full season this year.  So, while the bar mitzvah unfolded inside the United Club at Wrigley, the curse of the billy-goat proved it not only has longevity, but a sense of humor outside.  Yes, blame the billy-goat curse for the timely appearance of this dog-walking, Boston Red Sox fan who had the entire city to use as a Terrier-toliet, but chose the property on the north-east corner of Clark and Addison to have the hound take a dump.

Totally appropriate.

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It’s on, bitches.

I suspect you’ve all received the memo?

The National Hockey League is back in session, and the first week of orientation is already over.  What have we learned so far?  Well, Boston is still on vacation, Sid Crosby is still dizzy and Columbus still blows.  The Pens, Caps and Flyers are still good, while Vancouver and Detroit can still go suck it.  Which brings us to today.  The Chicago Blackhawks are back in the United Center tonight, and they’ve brought a wild card with them.

Dan Carcillo will see his first shift as a Blackhawk after serving a two-game suspension he earned in last season’s playoffs as a member of the Flyers.  Something about x-rated twittering and less-than-sporting behavior toward a ref.  So what, right?  Who hasn’t tweeted about sex and told a ref to go fuck himself?  Can he score goals?  Well, no, not really.  He had 4 goals and 2 assists last season.  Err.  Okay.  Oh, and he was a -14 with 127 penalty minutes.  Well then.

In other news, Viktor Stalberg was skating.  He’s good at hockey.  He’s been injured, and should be back soon, if not tonight.

Tonight’s opponent…all the way from Atlanta, the Winnipeg Manitoba Jets, deux.  The first Winnipeg Jets team is now the Phoenix Coyotes.  Which only goes to prove that in professional sports, nothing needs to make a damn bit of sense to be a good idea.  The old Winnipeg Jets were sold and moved out-of-town because of financial difficulties.  What exactly has changed in Winnipeg over the last 15 years for the better is unclear, but smart people are on the case, no doubt.

The new owners of the Jets, Part 2, are also the owners of the no-longer Manitoba Moose.  The Moose are out.  No more Moose.  The Moose are now the IceCaps, and now from St Johns, Newfoundland and Labrador.  All sounds pretty confusing to me, especially the part about the dogs.  But apparently, if you say St Johns, Newfoundland and Labrador, someone knows what the hell you’re talking about.

What’s it all mean?  It means Big Buff is in the hizz-ouse!  Yep, he’s out of jail following a drunken, late-night boating mission on a lovely August evening in Minnesota.  Brush that one off, Buff.  If you’re not drinking while on your boat, you’re just being lazy.  You were doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.

I can’t spell Buflin the way it’s supposed to be spelled, so Big Buff it is.  Big Buff is back at the UC for the first time since he scored 11 playoff goals as a Hawk and eventual Stanley Cup champion.  I happen to catch Buff sneaking a peek at the latest Stanley Cup banner that hangs from the rafters of the Hawks home rink.  We liked you, dude.  It’s just business.

Oh, hey, Forest Park is getting a shout-out tonight.  Young Tim Stapleton of the Jets was born 8 miles due west down Madison St before moving to Green Bay to play junior hockey.  Good call there.  Yeah, Fenwick is great and all, but they’re not churning out NHLers like the Green Bay Gamblers!

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