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Archive for February, 2011

Buh-bye.

Yah, see ya later dare, aye.

Back to the Manitoba Moose or the Ottawa 67’s or any of the previous 10 teams in 5 leagues that the well-traveled Nick Boynton spent time with.  Anywhere but here.

The only issue I see with finally putting this dude on waivers is: why didn’t it happen in November?

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Thank U Berry Munch

It’s Girl Scout Cookie season.

First things first.  I can bring a sleeve of Thin Mints to its knees before you can say the words:  ‘800 million dollars.’  As the husband of a “cookie mom”, this has been tested.  Secondly, 800 million dollars?  It might be fuzzy math, but at $4 per, the Girl Scouts should be raking in just a little less than a cool billion after they sell almost 250 million boxes of sweetness in the next few weeks.  While that may be nothing compared to the 100 billion Dr. Evil planned to hold the world hostage for, it’s still quite a bit of zort.  Even more amusing, the cookies only account for a little more than half the operating budget of the Girl Scouts.  I’m not sure what, besides programs for the girls, is in the operating budget.  It’s a good thing I’m not involved in top-level decision-making within this organization.  You see, I’m a big fan of private jet travel.  I’m afraid I’d easily be able to justify the lease of a Gulfstream 550 business jet for official Girl Scout business.  See what happened there?  I started daydreaming about a billion dollars.  Poof, 5 minutes gone, just like that.  By the way, it’s gulfstream.com/products/g550/. I’m thinking long-range in case I happen to need to get to Dubai for a weekend of hijinks and motor racing.  AGAIN, the daydreaming.

Meanwhile, my cookie-mamma-wife has learned that we need to unload 60 extra boxes of cookies.  The logistics of 200+ million boxes of cookies is quite something.  After Sue volunteered to organize the distribution of cookies for our girl’s local troop, we found out how it all works.  The one sticking point:  cookies are supplied and distributed to the girls in cases.  The girls sell boxes.  Obviously, there are going to be extras.  Simply put, if the troop sold 13 boxes of Somoas, the Girl Scouts are going to supply us with two, 12-box cases.  That means the troop is on the hook for 11 unsold boxes of cookies.  The Girl Scouts don’t take the hit here.  The local troop does.  My suggestion to simply pay it and forget it was shortsighted.  First, it’s $240.  Second, what the hell are we going to do with 60 boxes of cookies?  Whatever the strategy might be, it’s definitely unscheduled work.

I’m reminded it’s for a good cause.  If they actually had a Girl Scout jet, it’d be for a great and luxurious cause.

The image below is a phone snap of the Thin Mint loot at the local distribution center.

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1 fer 1.

Alright there buddy.

You’re in the books as having coached, and won, an NHL game.  That was Wednesday.  Today is Friday.  You had 2 days to blow-the-roof-off-that-mother.  Drink drinks, call friends, write in your diary, entertain book deals, eat Grade A meat, kiss the neighbor, shake strange hands and do whatever the hell it is people do to celebrate firsts.  However, there is another ice hockey game of above-average importance in just few hours.  There is a team visiting tonight from God-knows-where in Ohio looking for their 7th road win in a row.  6 games now, these clowns have put together.  This warpath includes wins at Dallas, Pittsburgh and Detroit.  An outright win tonight, aside from making my pet billy-goat puke, will mean the Hawks are tied with a team made of players nobody has ever, EVER heard of.  The logjam from p6 to p12 in the Western Conference is no more telling today than it was yesterday or last week.  That whole group can suck it on any given day.  Dallas has won twice in their last 10 and Minnesota is hit and miss after losing their last 2.  That said, the Ohio team, Calgary, LA and Anaheim are all posting wins while the Hawks are stuck in neutral.

So, Mike Haviland, own that dressing room tonight.  Use foul language, throw tape, bust shit…whatever.  That’s what you’ve earned here tonight, Mike.  You were born to fill in for great hockey coaches.  You were meant to be here tonight.  This is your time, Mike.  If you need some ideas of where to start, I’ve provided two quality, relevant examples.  As a fan with expectations, I’d prefer the locker room environment to resemble the 2nd example, but you’re the coach.

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Boring.

Stopped in at the Chicago Show of Cars this afternoon.

One of the first scenes I observed was an old man checking out an old man car.

The machines on display had nothing on the people who were on display.  Since cars seem to appeal to people in every social and economic class, the collection of souls in an environment like this should never be underestimated.  I was very honestly underwhelmed with what the auto industry had on display.  Hyundai introduced a big, fat luxury car.  Cool, except, there’s already a bunch of really good, fat luxury cars.  Why then, would you buy a bad one?  Fiat introduced their own mini-er, Mini.  $20,000 for a car that will comfortably fit 2 Justin Biebers and a book bag.  The US Army was there with a tank.  Toyota brought a racecar with M&M’s painted all over it.  The Germans didn’t bring anything inspiring, with the exception of the Mercedes SLS AMG, which is last years news.  Chevy was there with a collection of American cars.  Chrysler still exists, apparently.  And, I learned that a new diesel-powered Ford F250 pick-em-up truck would cost $58,000.

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The hits just keep on comin’.

The boss is out with a pain.  What ills him is unclear, but word is that it’s non-cardiac in nature.  Well, that’s good.  So his teams troubles have yet to cause him a heart attack.  There are other ways to respond to a lacking power play, inconsistency in the offensive zone and piss poor shoot-out performances.  There’s nausea, diarrhea, headaches, gas, panic attacks, dizziness, uncontrollable anger.  This list of ailments that one close to the organization could suffer from as a result of this team’s performance to this point is alarming.  Hell, I suffer from many of these symptoms as a not-so-casual observer.

This team has all but nailed the door to the playoffs shut.  What’s this you say…they are only 6 pts behind 7th position?

Yeah, well, even so.  It’s going to take a good and proper winning streak the likes of which this team has not seen this year.  Furthermore, it’ll also take a good and proper meltdown of Minnesota, Calgary, LA and San Jose to make this work.  What will be earned if they make this math magic thing happen?  A first round meeting with Vancouver.  This is not last years Vancouver, and it’s certainly not last years Blackhawks.

Mike Haviland is steering the ship tonight.  With all that’s on the line, starting tonight…I’d be chewing my glove too.

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So, how competent does Richard Daley look when Carol Moseley Braun steps up to a podium?

She is so fantastically successful at being dumb that nobody even cares to properly call her out.  Perhaps her biggest contribution to the race for Chicago mayor are the hilarious sound bites that can easily turn that frown upside-down.  A one-term senator toting a history riddled with scandal and ineptitude, she’s pure comedic genius.  Patricia Watkins, the crack lady, made the obvious observation:  ‘where have you been for the last 20 years?’  Except, nobody cares where she’s been.  She’s here now, and she’s making us laugh on a daily basis.  Her claim of having an advanced degree from Harvard was funny.  The tax thing?  Funny again.  Her claim that B Clinton was betraying the black community by supporting Rahm?  Pretty funny.  The crack addict comment?  Deeply funny.

Yesterday, she kept the funny coming while criticising the city’s part in the Lake Shore Drive fiasco.  “If your planning is geared towards the expectations and worst case scenarios, then you can respond with much more ease and alacrity.”  Alacrity?  You have to be pulling on my leg, right?  What Carol is saying here is that if the city would have closed northbound LSD before everyone got stranded behind a couple of crashes, then city services could respond to the situation that wouldn’t have existed with brisk and cheerful readiness.  Awesome.

Carol Moseley Braun, YOU ARE RE-DICULOUS!

As for the rest of the schmohawks that nearly froze themselves to death while unnecessarily slamming the Chicago Fire Department with the impossible task of rescuing 900 people in a blizzard…piss off.  Take responsibility for your Carol Moseley Braun moment, and move on.  The notion that it’s the job of city officials to think for us generates resentment from those of us who very much prefer to handle our own general reasoning.

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I have to say I’m a bit torn on the practice of using fancier-than-need-be terms to describe otherwise ordinary things.  I’m pretty sure a ‘tongue depressor’ is a popsicle stick.  When you need a trim, you visit a barber.  It’s no more fashionable to visit a ‘hair stylist,’ just more expensive.  When Sue gets calmly angry with me, her vocabulary triples.  She’ll use words like “ubiquitous” and “incendiary” during a discussion about emptying the dishwasher.  I smile, due to the comedic nature of it all.

Then there’s the local writers and TV reporters.  The media types around here can’t make it through a report on the weather without referring to Chicago’s impressive fleet of 284 “snow fighting trucks.”  What the fuck is a “snow fighting truck?”  Anybody?  Never heard of it.  If what they mean is “snow plow,” then it is this use of fancier-than-need-be terms that I find less amusing, and more annoying.

Anyway, I made a very clever, very original picture of what looks like a vehicle to be used in some facet of municipal snow defense and disaster mitigation.  I waited for 13 minutes at this salt pile, hoping to snatch a shot of one of the city’s special “snow fighters,” but all I got was this ordinary plow.

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